I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Every work meeting this week
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
We all have our pet causes.
Was it something I said?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!