sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.