[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
what it’s like dating me:
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here