Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
*limbos under the caution tape
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…