me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
You Might Also Like
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Every damn time
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”