Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
58.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.