I’m half potato on my dad’s side
You Might Also Like
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
School be like
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.