[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
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Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.