Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
…żyje?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey