Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
smh
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”