If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
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I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
respect
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.