Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
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Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?