[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.