i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”