Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”