Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
the pigeons are already plenty salty
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.