My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
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There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Who.
Did.
This?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.