Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
fly smarter, not harder
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong