When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”