If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*