[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.