I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!