“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?