Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
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My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”