daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Friday night party time 🥳
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no