Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*