i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies