Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Twitter remains undefeated
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.