No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.