My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.