My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
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Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how