Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
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You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Worth the read.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas