Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.