Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*orders delivery*
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
🛁
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions