I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.