*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
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This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
this is how life feels
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.