“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
You Might Also Like
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.