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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
dream blunt rotation
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches