me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
🛁
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms