If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
You Might Also Like
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
are there any atheist mantises?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Finally!
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?