90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’ve had worse
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
a badder mouse
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history