I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
this makes me so uncomfortable
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
the red hot silly peppers
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble