Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
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Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Ain’t no way
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.