I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
tell em, edith-anne
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?