I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.