Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Chicago sounds lovely.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.