When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
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The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
The Sun
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?