Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I created you as mosquito food.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Well, that should do it
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.