[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…