One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.